The 30-second Fart

"What happened to you, man? You used to be vegan."

Somebody asked me that yesterday after I posted the cheeseburger I had for lunch.

And a tasty cheeseburger it was.

But what happened to me?

I had to think about that one for a minute.

It's true; I was vegetarian and then vegan for many years. Vegan to the point of not eating honey or buying leather shoes. In fact, I learned that there's a buyer for pretty much anything when I sold a year-old pair of worn, "vegan leather" shoes on eBay around 2001.

But that's a whole other story.

As to yesterday's question, it came from a LOP vegetarian. That's a "lacto-ovo-pesco" vegetarian.

I know this because I once followed that diet, too.

From somewhere around 1995 to somewhere around 2005, I tried out every possible form of the vegetarian diet.

Lacto vegetarian, where I'd drink cow's milk.

Lacto-ovo vegetarian, adding eggs to go with the milk.

Lacto-ovo-pesco, where I'd add fish to the repertoire.

So what happened?

Why did I bail?

Two things.

The first and least important is that I felt and performed like shit. The reason? Processed foods.

As many vegans and vegetarians do, I was eating boatloads of processed foods in the form of meatless meats. By design, every meat substitute on the planet is highly processed.

Fact: You can only make a bushel of soybeans look like a pound of ground beef through a lot of processing.

Back then, one of my favorites was Freida's Soy Taco, now called Soyrizo. Then, it came in a big plastic tube like breakfast sausage is often packaged in. Now, they put it into shiny plastic tubes to mimic chorizo casings and include instructions to avoid eating the plastic.

Anyway, I used to eat tons of the stuff. And about 30 minutes after, like clockwork, I would have what may have been the worst gas humans can have.

30-second farts?

Yes. Back to back, for a half-hour or more.

Fart, Fart, Fart.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

Fart, Fart.

Fart.

And somehow, it didn't occur to me that Soytaco (or any of the other prepackaged foods I so often consumed) wasn't real food.

Like the ToFurkey I'd make at Thanksgiving.

Or the "vegan cheese" that wouldn't melt in my toast.

Or the "soysage" I could taste as I burped up the remnants for an hour or two after eating.

The truth is, my health was never as poor as when I followed vegetarian and vegan diets.

Now let's be clear - following a vegan or vegetarian diet while being healthy is 100% possible. I'm not bashing these diets or the folks who follow them.

Still, from my experience and observation, most vegans and vegetarians are closer to the unhealthy end of the spectrum. In 2023 America, nobody is more vulnerable to fake food than vegans and vegetarians.

Now, back then, I didn't give a shit about my health. Sure, I went to the gym, but that stemmed purely from vanity, whereas today, I'm far more concerned with longevity and vitality.

So that's the first reason I ditched the vegan diet. The way I was doing it was all wrong, healthwise, and I had neither the time nor patience to do it right. So I felt like shit and farted all the time.

Still, as important as my health is, it's the least important of the two reasons I ditched vegetarianism.

I'll get into the important reason tomorrow.

In the meantime, drop a comment if you have a guess as to what it is.