The Bitchy Teenager

Y’all, it’s happened. With one of our girls, Julia and I have hit the bitchy teenage years. At some point in the last couple of months the hormone production must have kicked into overdrive because this girl who used to be made of sugar and spice is now 90% piss and vinegar.

Yesterday Sam, the baby in the family, wanted to play a game on the Nintendo Switch which is a portable video game console.

“Jack,” Sam says, “have you seen the Switch?”

“L had it last.”

(We’ll call her “L” in order to protect the name of the not-so-innocent)

“L, have you seen the Switch?”

“Nope,” says L, very matter-of-factly.

All hell breaks loose.

A ten minute argument ensues with Jack and Sam insisting that she had the Switch and her being absolutely adamant that she had not seen it.

“L, I know you have it! Just give it to him!” screams Jack.

“L, please just give it to me, you’re not even playing it you’re making slime,” Sam begs.

All the while, L keeps insisting that she hasn’t so much as seen it.

“Never mind,” Sam finally says, “I’ll just play something else.”

As he’s sulking off, L turns the screws a little bit.

“I haven’t seen the switch, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because your mom called my mom this morning to tell her that you’re not even allowed to play on the Switch.”

Now Jack is really mad. He knows good and well that Sam’s mom isn’t going to call Julia about a video game and he’s keenly aware that L is not above stretching the truth to get her way. Plus Julia is out of town so this part is clearly made up.

Heading for the stairs he says to Sam, “Your mom did not call, L is making that up. Come on, I’ll find the Switch for you.”

L protests. “You’re not allowed in my room!”

“Jack, you can’t go in my room. Stop!”

“Jaaaaaaaaaack! Stop it!”

“Well then get the Switch for Sam,” Jack says, “I know that you have it.”

Finally L agrees and goes to get it.

But does she bring it back?

Nope. Not a chance.

Cue round two of the same argument. Jack and Sam demanding to know where the Switch is and L refusing to tell. She still won't admit that she had it, she’ll only say that it’s not in her bedroom any longer. But she’s not about to tell Sam where she put it.

After a while I intervened.

“L, tell Sam right now where it is or spend the rest of the day in your room alone. Your choice.”

She had no idea I was sitting right around the corner and had heard the whole thing. Thinking herself sly, she looked at me as if I had completely forsaken her. Tears welling up, lips quivering. From her look you would think I’d just fed all the kids ice-cream, didn’t let her have any, but made her sit and watch them eat it.

Mumbling, just barely audible over tears, she said, “I put it in Jack’s room.”

And that was it. Off Sam went to play the switch and L went back to making slime with the other L. It was like it never happened. She didn’t give a rat’s rear end about the Switch itself, she just wanted to be a butthead to her little brother.

Just being a bitchy teenaged girl.

The problem is, she’s only 10.

God help us when she actually gets to be a teen.

Next time your kids are driving you nuts just remember, you could have mine!